More than a Word, Less than a Definition By Alissa Garza-Garza
- Feb 16
- 9 min read
Updated: Feb 18
More than a Word, Less than a Definition
My parents always speak about me getting married someday and having kids of my own. However, in their perspectives that future is me with a man. Their traditional values decide what my love life should look like, without considering the fact that I have my own wants and dreams that do not fit their idea of love. I often find myself feeling uneasy whenever my parents bring up the idea of kids or marriage with me—a feeling rooted in the fear that they would think less of their daughter if they knew what I truly wanted— because doing so can disappoint them and create a wall between us. I try to remain optimistic that things might change, but the weight of the situation still leaves me feeling emotionally wrecked. This kind of expectation is not just personal, but it reflects a larger issue in how bisexuality is seen in the world– my story is only one of many that show how bisexuality is misunderstood. It is weird how society has these expectations for bisexuals to date multiple genders just to prove themselves as if being attracted to more than one gender is not good enough. I firmly believe that this pressure comes from the stereotypes placed upon bisexuals as being “confused” or only going through a “phase”.
People like me often talk about the stigmas surrounding bisexuality; however, we fail to understand its historical roots, and erasure of bisexuality over time is crucial in understanding how these stigmas came to be. Being bisexual essentially means being attracted to more than one gender. It does not mean at the same time, same way, or to the same degree. But you may be thinking, doesn’t the “bi-” in bisexual mean two? A good key point to understand is that language can be fluid, so putting the literal meaning to all suffixes and prefixes would be troublesome. As such, many of the stereotypes surrounding bisexuality comes from these arbitrary English conventions. It cements these ideas that bisexuality is limited to just two categories- men and women. One way I was taught to see sexuality is as a colorful rainbow. The ability to see a vibrant rainbow shows that bisexuals are attracted to more than one gender. With pansexuality, instead of seeing a colorful rainbow, the rainbow is gray and black because a person is attracted to all people regardless of their gender identity. Understanding this helped me realize who I am, and why conversations like this matter.
Even now I struggle with proving the validity of my sexuality, despite knowing that I don’t really need to. I share this because many people, like myself, are trapped between two selves: who they are and who others expect them to be, while seeking serenity in the silent space of acceptance and truth. “Discrimination from in and beyond the queer community can create ‘a double closet’ that can discourage bisexual people from coming out” (Blum). I know that many bisexual individuals blunder with internalized biphobia due to their constant questioning of their identity. People may assume that internalized biphobia is the incapacity to prove your bisexuality. Additionally, it is the thought of being convinced you are not bisexual enough, constant questioning if you are just straight or gay, or feeling like you are not an equal member in the LGBTQ community unless you are in a same sex relationship. The main thing to remember is that attraction does not necessarily mean action. “This internalized binegativity involves negative perceptions and biases about both one’s personal bisexual identity and the concept of bisexuality” (Pollitt & Roberts). Then the imposter syndrome starts to flood in, especially since I have only been in relationships with the opposite gender, which leads to a sense of unbelonging. It is confusing when the same community that is meant to uplift people juxtaposes my belonging by ostracizing me for not being “gay” enough by societal conventions. That contradiction deepens the self-doubt I already carry. I feel like one of the main reasons someone would have internalized biphobia would be because of our parents and social media outlets. It is almost like it is engraved in our brains and creates those “No this is bad. There is no way this could be true,” feelings. That is just how we grew up.
As we grow older, we start to realize identity is not monochrome but rather complex. From there we start to unlearn the detrimental messages that were taught to us and acknowledge that we do not need external confirmation to be who we are. It will not always be easy; any self-acceptance journey will always be like that, but it is the first step in accepting that bisexuality is valid despite someone's dating history and breaking free from the chains of these unseen struggles.
As someone who has struggled with others’ expectations of who I should love, something that has been on my mind is if bisexual men and women get treated the same when it comes to the expectation of dating the same gender. I feel like bisexual men are more likely to experience erasure and skepticism as they are expected to be straight, if not gay. Masculinity is associated with heteronormative ideals or being solely attracted to women. Heteronormativity is the assumption that cisgender and heterosexual norms are the basis for regular relationships and our identities. Especially coming from a Mexican household, masculinity and stigma play vital roles in this situation. This is a ticking time bomb for systemic prejudices and neglect that come to light. Heteronormativity was magnified by well-known theorist and professor at Yale University, Micheal Warner. It is derived from the Greek words “hetero,” meaning other or normativity, referring to the development of norms, is the social convention that most people are assumed to be heterosexual unless declared differently. The phrase is frequently used by LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations, academicians, and activists. The world's expanding usage over time has raised awareness of heteronormative systems. “From a young age, children are exposed to gendered expectations that reinforce the idea of heterosexual norms” (Jayaratna).
For example, boys are expected to play with trains and be a “ladies man,” while girls are given baby dolls to take care of. These minor differences play an important role in establishing gender stereotypes at the beginning of early childhood. The consequences of such actions can be tremendous and create an atmosphere where diversity in gender presentation and relationships are stigmatized, impeding the development of an inclusive society. There is a lot of heteronormativity in TV shows. You tend to see a two-parent household with a mother and father. If it is not two parents then either the dad or mom died, but they were married to somebody and they were a straight couple. To further anchor onto this, lesbians used to be sexualized and gay men were often portrayed as “weak” for a large part in mainstream TV. Take for example Family Guy. For decades, LGBTQ+ jokes often degraded those in that community. Although this can be disguised as simply edgy humor, it must be said that these rhetorics perpetuated a lot of the homophobia and biphobia that we see today. It is harmful to bisexuals as the media portrays them as strangers, and tells us what is normal or abnormal. All of these patterns made me question how “normal” can be molded by other people’s assumptions. Love should not be put into a box because it should be felt, lived, and described by the one who is feeling it.
I can imagine that it leads to things like toxic masculinity and more gender discrimination, then leading into discrimination against other people’s identities that do not align with heteronormativity. A bisexual man’s attraction to the same gender can be seen as an attack to these hetronormative norms. Not only do they get rejected by their straight peers, but by other queer men as well. While on the other hand, bisexual women are most of the time
hypersexualized and seen only as a fetish other than being treated with respect. Studies suggest that negative stereotypes frequently devalue bisexuality. For instance, while not true for all, some straight men see bisexual women’s attraction to other women as entertainment rather than a legitimate orientation, contributing to mental health disparities. “Over the past decade, evidence has accumulated to suggest that bisexual people experience higher rates of poor mental health outcomes compared to both heterosexual and gay/lesbian individuals.” (Ross et al 2018). There is a lack of affirmative support for bisexuals due to biphobia. Many experience a sense of not fully fitting in straight or queer communities, making them feel welcomed and unsupported.
When one of my friends was called out for being bisexual at a friend’s hangout, I realized how little people know about it. Someone explained what they thought bisexuality was, saying its attraction split fifty-fifty. I said out loud that it does not work like that, and another person agreed—but little did I know we both had different interpretations of what bisexuality meant. Then, the first and second friend insisted there is no such thing as bisexuality, calling it a complicated mess. To them a person could only be straight or gay. A simple choice in black and white. At that moment, I felt uncomfortable and knew it was better to stay silent for the rest of the conversation. I often forget that there are people who think distinctly from me, given the fact that my main friend group is supportive of me.
There have been other times that I felt uneasy in public places. “Alcohol use and a higher number of male sexual partners are correlated with increased risk of sexual victimization and reduced sexual health among bisexual women” (Flanders et al.). This quote does not imply that women’s behaviors are the cause of victimization, but rather are stereotyped to have relations with multiple people. A couple weeks ago in one of my lectures, one of my male peers made an inappropriate comment towards me and my close friend after we mentioned that we were both bisexual and both girls. His comment reinforced the stereotype that bisexual women are promiscuous or easily available; it is a harmful misconception. These assumptions may influence how we are treated and perceived. Thus, highlighting the significance of challenging misconceptions to promote a more realistic and fair knowledge of bisexuality.
All of this lays out just how many misjudgments still exist regarding bisexuality. Either it’s from families, the media, or random strangers making odd comments. It can be stressful to constantly have to prove oneself or deal with people who believe they know your identity better than you do.
Works Cited
Blum, Dani. “‘The Double Closet’: Why Some Bisexual People Struggle with Mental Health.” The New York
Times, 30, June 2021, www.nytimes.com/2021/06/30/well/bisexual-mental-health-lgbt.html.
Flanders, Corey E. “Bisexual Stigma, Sexual Violence, and Sexual Health Among Bisexual and Other
Plurisexual Women: A Cross-Sectional Survey Study.” The Journal of Sex Research, vol. 56, no. 9,
2019, pp. 1115–27, JSTOR,
Jayaratna, Vinusha. “Heteronormativity - Queer Cultures 101.” Scholarblogs.emory.edu, 31 Oct. 2023,
Pollitt, Amanda M., and Roberts, Tangela S. “Internalized Binegativity, LGBQ + Community Involvement,
and Definitions of Bisexuality.” Journal of Bisexuality, vol. 21, no. 3, 6 Oct. 2021, pp. 1–23,
Ross, Lori E, et al. “A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis.” The Journal of Sex Research, vol. 55, no. 4/5,
2018, pp. 435–456. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/26772745 , https://doi.org/10.2307/26772745.
About the Author
I discovered my interest in writing during elementary school, but it was not until my second semester at UTRGV that I truly returned to it. An English professor played an important role by encouraging us to write and introducing me to the Inquiry approach. That experience motivated me to take writing seriously after realizing that my voice has value and deserves to be heard.
My writing process often begins with a sudden burst of inspiration. Ideas come unexpectedly, and I write them down quickly before they disappear. Afterward, I follow a routine to organize my thoughts, since having a plan helps me stay focused and turn those ideas into something meaningful.
I especially enjoy writing counterstory essays because they challenge dominant narratives and give space to voices from marginalized communities. Through this type of writing, I learned that knowledge is power and that writing is a form of action. Although I am naturally outgoing, a speech impediment can sometimes limit how I express myself verbally. Writing, however, gives me freedom, confidence, and a space to fully express myself without limits.
The author says her writing usually starts with a sudden burst of inspiration. She’ll get ideas out of nowhere and quickly write them down before they disappear. After that, she follows a routine to organize everything. Having a plan helps her stay focused and turn those quick ideas into something meaningful.
She also shares that people might not know that she’s naturally outgoing and loves being the life of the party. She has a speech impediment that sometimes holds her back, but that doesn’t stop her from being an extrovert . Her thoughts move faster than she can speak, which can be frustrating. But when she writes, she feels free. Writing gives her a space to fully express herself with confidence and without limits.
A turning point for her was when her professor encouraged her to submit her work and take writing seriously. Before that moment, she didn’t see herself as a writer—just a student completing assignments. Being told that her words had meaning changed how she saw herself and inspired her to continue writing with more confidence.
Looking toward the future, her goal is to become a Labor & Delivery Registered Nurse and build an independent life while making her parents proud of their sacrifices. As a writer, she plans to submit more of her work to journals, continue sharing her voice, and inspire others to tell their own stories.
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